[stolen from myself, in my Pomamese journal, but everyone needs a few life lessons, so read if you havent' already, and look at your life.]
I do need to be loved though.. The one thing I'll always search for in vain. I need a man; not a boy. Someone who knows life, but isn't afraid to look through someone elses eyes and see something they never saw there before. I need something real, a love that's real, that I can touch, taste, live and breathe. I need a lover who's not afraid to learn, or afraid to teach. I need someone strong of will and mind, able to keep up with a hectic life but strong enough to slow me down when need be. I need a one on one commitment with no strings attached. Too bad I'll never find what I'm looking for.
Too bad I'm too strong willed, stubborn, proud.. too bad I've carved the image of perfection like a work of art, and everyone and everything is faced off against my(imaginary) perfect love, and everyone seems to crumble or drown. I crash through life and seem to leave the world burnt behind me. Then I stop and shift through the ashes, wondering what ever happened to those I loved or those who tried to love me. I feel like a tragic tale right out of mythology. Like the firelords and the mermaids who love them, but can never touch them. While one thinks the mermaids would devour the Firelords, it's the firelords that would destroy the mermaids. I feel like the Firelords, anyone who tries to hold me is burnt and broken in the end. Perhaps I was right from the start. I'm like trying to keep up with a wild mustang, always free, always wild, knowing that somewhere out there someone can tame me, but they have to find and be able to keep up with me.
Once I was told that anyone who crosses paths with me is going to be trapped in my life in one way or another.. I've been told my eyes can tangle someone up in my passions and pains. Everyone is wrapped up in my life, even if they don't wish to be, but I steal them away from their paradise and warp their worlds. Some think they can love me, others do love me, but not in the way I long to be loved... in the end I'll hurt each and everyone of them in one way or another.. some have already been wounded, but still linger, waiting for me it seems. Waiting for me to fault? To stumble? For my vain pride to crash and burn? Do they wait for the moment to slip into my world and tangle me up in prases and passions I can't understand in the panic of the moment.. or do they really want to show me who I really am.. who am I.. I need to know.
I envy you who have known and found their love. I envy you who have learned to savor the moments and who hold so strong to these things. Those of you.. who have loved in vain but remember still what a strong love was, and who can face the world strong and proud, and know you can love again. Please don't foresake the love others give you, because when you stop realizing how precious it is, you lose a part of you that you can never regain. Don't frget that love is an honor, not a gift. Remember from me, that you have so much more than what you think, if you have someone who loves you with their whole heart, if you have someone who cares so deeply for you, that they'd give their world for a moment fo your time. Don't foresake their love, stop and realize that it's something beyond all reasoning. That if you just look upon it as an everyday thing, then you begin to lose the faith in love.
"I wouldn't want to change any of that, atleast not now but that won't mean it won't hurt when I have to tell you goodbye. I don't want to lose you, not in anyway, but somethings are not able to be avoided. I'm jealous of those that know you; those that get to see you smile, see you cry, those that get to talk to you, share things with you, just have you in their daily lives. What I would give to have the same. and I bet some of the people who are allowed to know and see you like that take it for granted..."
Don't lose faith in everyday things you get to witness. Don't take it for granted that tomorrow you will still have that smile, those tears, that laughter, because it could faid away like ashes in the wind. Your whole world could crumble into the ocean leaving you to shift through the remains and try and put your world back together. What happens when you realize you can't though, when you realize you're what's wrong with your life, your love. How can someone love so strong, love so deep, but yet so selfishly destroy the angels in your life..
The Maker is a cruel creator to befoul life with the pains that are imposed on this race. How can we be this way, how can we know what love is, yet strike out at those we love so true. Everything in life is a reminder of the love one once knew. Original Sin wasnt' the tempting of Eve, original Sin was when one realized that they can feel pain, that they can feel desire, that they can love another, who may not even know they exist. ORiginal Sin is society who divides life, love and desire into social groups, and it's thought forbidden to try and pass off as what you are not. and the social gatherings where we're all taught that the rank of society will keep us from loving outside our norms. I can't be loved inside my own norm, so what was the purpose of love again? This creator, this maker, whoever it may be has many questions to answer for me when I stand outside those gates just for a glimpse of a city I know I'll never belong to.
Maybe I was made to defy these things; I know I may be strong enough to; can I trick the world into loving a beauty within, can I trust them to look past the framework and see the fine details craved into my very being. Will I still be wild and free, or will I be broken and bent by the time the one I've waited on these years picks me back up again and tames my soul; or perhaps this one I wait for wasnt' meant to tame me, but run as my equal; but could two so strongwilled live at peace with eachother, or am I looking for the crosswalk of light and dark, because I don't know which I am anymore...